


The Art of Dying songfic

by Bubblesboo



Series: Songfics [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise it gets better once you read it, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Songfic, Stucky - Freeform, Timeskips galore brought to you by my shitty writing skills, a bit of Vera Lynn for variety because they’re old farts, angsty as shit, i listen to too much metal to be gay, isnt this the best fanfic you’ve ever seen, its like one sentence but it’s implied throughout so be careful all you cool cats, oh wait hold on have to tag this really fast, song is The Art of Dying by Gojira, the suicide is attempted but please don’t read if you’ll get triggered, this isn’t a fun read but I put effort into this ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26636656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubblesboo/pseuds/Bubblesboo
Summary: “As Steve was walking over to the couch, Bucky started to wonder what he was going to do. Would he hit hard? Would he stab him? Would he defile him?“When...” Bucky’s voice felt small and scratchy, “when are you going to punish me?””
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Songfics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948708
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	The Art of Dying songfic

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first Marvel fic AND my first stucky fic. I would love for you to leave a comment and tell me how to improve my writing. Please heed the warnings in the tags. My Tumblr is Doyalikewaffles, so go chat with me there!

Breathing slowly, mechanical heartbeat~

The Asset eyed his target, the blue of Captain America's uniform burning into his retinas. He hadn't seen such color before.

Captain America had seen him. The Asset frowned, he hated being seen. It was something engrained in him. Captain America looked at him as a flash of recognition came and went in his eyes. At least, that's what the Asset saw.

Captain America threw his shield, and the Asset caught it with ease, sending a cold, emotionless look at his target.

"Bucky?" Captain America asked incredulously, his head tilting slightly as if he expected an answer.

The Asset reminded himself to breathe in slowly; this way, his heart wouldn't beat as fast and he could actually answer.

"Who the hell is Bucky?"

Losing contact with the living~

The Asset could not remember a time when he had seen the man on the bridge, yet he looked familiar.

Back at HYDRA's base, he was hit with a wave of deja vu. If he dared speak out of his turn, he would immediately face repercussions. He also knew this despite never remembering a time when he had gotten punished for it. "The man on the bridge...I knew him."

Alexander Pierce frowned, just like he always did when the Asset spoke out of turn. "Of course you did. He's your target, after all."

"No, not like that. I _knew_ him."

The Asset saw Pierce's eyes widen, then narrow, showing ugly signs of age on his face. He turned sharply to the people at the machine. The Asset never knew what exactly it was that the machine did, just that it hurt like hell.

The Asset's eyes widened in alarm. A mouthpiece was shoved into his mouth, something he took advantage of as he bit down on it. His flesh arm tensed and relaxed, his metal arm doing something similar looking.

He remembered a bright smile, a little blonde boy, and killing Nazis. He hoped he would never forget it.

Almighty TV plugged, hybrid empty brain~

He didn't remember anything when they were done.

"Name?" Pierce asked. Another thing wired into his brain: the main who enjoyed watching him suffer most was named Alexander Pierce.

"I...don't know."

Pierce's expression was unreadable. "You disobeyed us. Do you know what that means?"

The Asset knew damn well what that meant: _fear._ The Asset did not like fear, yet it was the only emotion he ever got to feel.

Don't see anything real in the game~

The Asset went from being the Asset to Bucky Barnes in a frighteningly short amount of time. He was in a nice place called Wakanda instead of a cellar, with people who cared about him, treated his wounds and fed him and took his arm off instead of people brainwashing him, beating him and other things he couldn't think about without crying.

Captain America-the man on the bridge-now had a name as well. Steve Rogers seemed oddly fitting for a man who would be so normal if it weren't for the fact he looked like a god.

Having his memories back now came with new challenges, such as the nightmares. They left him screaming, crying, vomiting. And, once in a while, briefly left him as the Asset, and he didn't want to be the Asset anymore.

Another was the guilt. Just like the cold, it would seep into every fiber of his being until he would collapse from the invisible weight.

The tension is building constantly~

In his defense, he had warned Steve about his panic attacks.

He had heard a gunshot. He _heard_ the gunshot. He wanted to protect himself. It was no doubt HYDRA coming to take him back, after all.

That's how Steve had found the Asset-Bucky-hidden under the bed, a knife in hand. He certainly hadn't expected to get stabbed in the arm, hard, but that's what happens when you take in a murderer, a monster.

No reason, just a reflex I have, driven by clockwork~

Bucky slid out from under the bed. "You're not HYDRA." He said simply.

"Damnit, Buck, of course I'm not!" He yelled, storming into the bathroom to dress the wound.

Bucky started to shake. He'd fought his caretaker. Would he be beaten, electrocuted, or worse?

He needed to leave.

But, wouldn't the punishment be worse?

I try to keep an eye open, and I realize~

I haven't closed my eyes in a long time~

Bucky slept on the couch. He'd flat out refused to sleep in the same room as Steve in the beginning, he'd hurt him, and he didn't want to hurt him.

Ever since the gunshot incident, however, he didn't even sleep. His mind just wouldn't shut the fuck up so he _could_ sleep.

Bucky couldn't remember the last time he had had sufficient rest. Maybe 70 years ago, maybe never.

The punishment hadn't come yet, but he knew it would.

Neglected emotions leading to catastrophic voyage on the other side~

"Bucky?" Steve's voice called out from the doorway.

Bucky whipped around, feeling his hair whip around and gently touch his neck.

"We need to talk."

As Steve was walking over to the couch, Bucky started to wonder what Steve was going to do. Would he hit hard? Would he stab him? Would he defile him?

"When..." Bucky's voice felt small and scratchy, "when are you going to punish me?"

As soon as Bucky heard it he winced. He would be punished just for asking, and especially because it sounded so dumb. "Please, just get it over with."

"I'm not going to hit you. I'm never going to hit you." Steve struggled to say, heavy emotion behind his words.

"But I hit you. Why aren't you hitting me?" Bucky asked, a sob rising in his throat that he couldn't let out. The punishment would just be prolonged.

"Because you don't deserve to be hit. Buck, I'm not HYDRA. I'm not going to do anything that they did." Steve had tears in his eyes. Bucky felt bad, he really did, but instinct overrode all of his emotions.

"That's not all that they did," Bucky went on, much to Steve's disapproval, "they electrocuted me. Maybe you could try that? I didn't like it, but I deserved it. You could also-"

"Hell no!" Steve exclaimed, his voice cracking

I have been given so much stress and lack of confidence~

Bucky woke up crying, choking on the mucus that ran down his throat. He had loved Steve Rogers. This was a non-negotiable fact. And, deep down, he still loved him.

"Bucky?" Steve asked, walking into the room and stopping dead at the sight of his roommate in tears. "Are you okay?"

What a stupid question. When was he ever okay?

"Just a really sad dream," Bucky said, "I'm fine Stevie."

Steve froze. "W-what did you just call me?"

Bucky felt the panic attack. The hot flashes were horribly relieving in the dead of winter.

Steve saw this, and rushed over to Bucky to help. "No, no, that's not what I meant. It's a good thing."

"It-it is?" Bucky cried, his panic attack refusing to back down.

"Yeah, it is. Breathe with me now." And Bucky did while his mind raced. How was he going to tell Steve about his feelings...

...when Steve didn't even like gay people?

I've been given the gift of so small hope deep inside~

If Steve wanted to hurt him, he probably would've done so by now. He deserved to be punished.

Maybe Steve wasn't like that. Maybe Steve really didn't want to hurt him. He did, after all, basically force Bucky to live with him. Maybe Steve felt the same way?

Maybe he could finally tell Steve what he'd wanted to tell him for 70 years?

I haven't closed my eyes in a long time, I am trying~

His thoughts were keeping him awake again. Steve walked out as Bucky sat up and watched him with wide, sleep deprived eyes.

"I couldn't sleep," Steve started, "I'm guessing you can't either?"

"I was thinking."

"About what?"

Bucky's stomach twisted in knots. "You can throw me out if you want, I know how much you hate people like me and I've been wanting to tell you since the 30s and I knew you'd hate me oh my god you'll hate me Stevie 'cause I'm a queer."

I cannot stomach these forms and colors anymore~

To make it worse, Steve's eyes widened comically and Bucky actually had to run to the bathroom to throw up.

Steve ran into the bathroom just as Bucky started pleading with god or Steve, neither of them knew.

"Please oh no please. I've had stability and kindness and don't take it away please don't punish me like HYDRA don't take him away please-"

Steve didn't know what the hell to do. He knew times had changed, and so had his mindset, but this wasn't some random couple in the street. This was his best friend.

He was sure of one thing though, and that was he couldn't bare to see Bucky vomiting and pleading for his life.

He pulled Bucky close, and ran a hand through his hair to sooth him. "I'm not going anywhere. You're still Bucky, you're still my best friend. I'm not going to make you leave, I'm not going to punish you. Shh."

But I'm here to continue after all I've been through~

"I hope you don't mind me asking," Steve spoke on a cool afternoon, "but why do you think that I'm going to hit you?"

Bucky paused, gently bookmarking his book and setting it down. Maybe it was a bad idea to read _The Painted Bird_ right before this conversation. "Because that's what HYDRA did whenever I misbehaved. I know that you wouldn't do that," he added hastily as Steve opened his mouth, "but sometimes I can't think rationally, and I forget that."

Steve got up from his chair and went to sit by Bucky. "What did they do?" When Bucky shivered, he went on to say he didn't need to tell him if he wasn't comfortable doing so.

"No, no, it's fine. I think I should talk about it, you know? It might help." He smiled at Steve, a little sliver, and Steve practically beamed back at him.

Encouraged by this, Bucky began to recount seven decades worth of torture and dehumanization.

I try to keep my eyes open, I am realizing~

"I've seen Zola before."

This revelation made Steve freeze. "You have." This was stated as a fact, rather than a question like Bucky was expecting.

"You saved me," Bucky said, "thank you."

"I'll always save you, Buck." Steve promised.

"Always?" Bucky asked, tilting his head to the side like a puppy.

Steve smiled. "'Till the end of the line."

This life and death more precious than anything~

There was a mission where Steve flatlined.

Bucky felt like half of him was imploding. Steve was half of him. He had helped Bucky so much, and Bucky couldn't even be there for him.

He bypassed Tony Stark's security system easily. The hard part came when he saw the nurses gathered around Steve's door.

Bucky heard someone yelp in surprise, and whipped around to see the billionaire he left an orphan.

"How the hell did you get in here?! Holy shit dude, you could teach me a couple things." Tony chuckled in what Bucky assumes is embarrassment.

"How is Steve?" Bucky asked, ignoring Tony's attempts at complimenting him.

"Breathing." Tony replied.

"I breathed for 70 years and I wasn't alive," Bucky growled, "you'll have to do better than that."

Tony sighed and rolled his eyes. "Internal bleeding basically everywhere, shot in the middle of the head, damn near got his lower body blown off." Tony looked at Bucky apologetically. "Truthfully, I think he'll make it out," when Bucky sighed in relief, Tony finished his sentence, "but I don't think they'll let you stay with him while he recovers."

Bucky barked out a laugh, making Tony shiver. "Because I'm a danger."

"That, too, but from what I gathered, they think you're stressing him out."

"Probably because I am."

There were so many unspoken words between them, so many apologies and threats that were better left as only a part of their brains.

"Mr. Stark, Mr. Rogers would like to see you." The nurse side-eyed Bucky, and he assumed that it was a nonverbal warning.

"Come on, he'd love to see ya!" Tony said, clapping Bucky on the back. "Ah, damn. That's a lot of metal."

"I don't think I can." Bucky said, his breath coming rapidly.

"Why not?"

"He's too precious for me to lose."

I won't bring no materials to the afterlife~

_"Did you know that Egyptian pharaohs were buried with the things they wanted to take with them to the afterlife?" Steve said, a coughing fit racking his body soon after._

_Bucky frowned, gently patting Steve's bony back until the fit subsided. "What the hell could they need?"_

_"Gold, charms, I don't know."_

_"Well, if I was dead, it would depend where I'm goin'."_

_Steve furrowed his brows. "Where you're goin'?"_

_"Yeah, like if I'm goin' to Heaven or Hell. If I was goin' to Heaven, I'd take you with me so you'll get in no matter what, with your heart of gold you should be up there more than me."_

_Steve flashed him his signature smile. "That's awful sweet of ya, Buck. But what about if you got sent to Hell?"_

_"That's where I'm goin', Stevie. Trust me when I say it. I ain't goin' to Heaven. But I'm not taking nothin' to Hell. I ain't gonna make anything suffer with me when the one who deserves to suffer is me."_

_"Buck, you whouldn't be damned. You're a good person." Steve gave him a sad look, wrapping his arm around Bucky's shoulders._

_"I wish I could tell you why."_

Take no possessions~

I would rather travel light~

"Do you think I'm going to Hell?" Bucky asked Steve one day.

Steve pondered about it. "I doubt it. I think God would make an exception for you. You've done so many good things that it would overturn that red ledger of yours."

"I can never repent for anything I've done," Bucky began, "I'll never be able to forget anything or make up for my actions. I'll never get to be in Heaven with you, Stevie, because I was made to kill. I've broken almost every rule in the Bible. Leviticus was just made so I could disregard it. Plus, Steve, I'm queer. I wouldn't have gotten in even in the 40's." His whisper, retained throughout, became strained and shaky. "I still wouldn't take anything with me to Hell. But I'd take you with me to Heaven."

I'm of this kind that kills all day~

"Tell me what happened. I don't care how much it hurt you, I don't care how much of it you remember. Just tell me how my parents died."

Bucky sat in front of Tony, who was working on his arm. "I was sent to retrieve the serum." He closed his eyes, as their deaths were still vividly painted in the back of his eyelids. "it was pretty cold that night. Pierce got me out of the cryogenic chamber. He told me that my assignment was to get the serum and kill any witnesses."

He felt Tony dig into his arm, almost as if he had jutted into it on purpose. "Shit, sorry. Go on."

Bucky drew in a breath. "I don't remember how, but the car ended up on its side. I was getting the serum when your father walked out. Pierce said no witnesses, so I had to shoot him." Bucky forced himself to go into an emotionless state, something that didn't go unobserved by the billionaire.

"Get emotional. Cry. I don't give a fuck." He said. "But go on. I need closure."

Taking another deep breath, Bucky continued. "I-I swear I didn't know your mother was there. I saw her and I had to kill her. What's worse is I think she recognized me. Her expression went from fear to despair, and it still fazes me to this day." Bucky's breath shuddered. "I don't know why, but I grabbed her by the neck and squeezed."

Bucky's head fell. He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes. He didn't have a right to cry. He wasn't the victim.

"Look, maybe it was your hands that did it, maybe it was the arm that I'm holding that killed them, but it wasn't really you. I'm acknowledging that you did it, because nobody else is, and I agree with you. But it wasn't you speaking. You are-were-HYDRA's mouthpiece. The Winter Soldier. That wasn't your mind telling you to kill them. They wiped that from you. Not permanently, but long enough that you forgot who you are. And that's okay."

But I don't know yet how to die~

"I shot myself."

Steve just about lost it. He could've swore Bucky was getting better, they all could've. "Bucky, why?"

"I wanted to see if I could die."

"Where did you shoot yourself?"

"My head."

Steve looked like he would fall apart. He hugged Bucky close in a tight hug, that way Bucky couldn't see the tears forming in his eyes. "Don't ever do that again. I don't want you to die."

"But everybody else does."

"Everybody wants you to get better."

"Stevie, I can't die."

Art of dying is the way to let all go~

When Bucky was in cryogenic freezing, he genuinely thought he was dead. It was like a sensory deprivation tank, but he was never awake. At least then he wasn't thinking.

"Hey, Tony?" He greeted as he walked into the lab. "Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot." Tony replied as he got his toolbox.

"I know there's a really obvious answer to this, but is there a way I can die?"

Tony looked off into space as he tried to figure out how the hell to pretend like he knew what he was talking about. "I'm sure you could," he finally answered softly, "but I don't think you should try. You'll die when you die. It shouldn't be an art."

"I'm not making it an art."

"It would sure as hell be a spectacle for everyone else."

"I wouldn't be able to think." Bucky closed. "I could be at peace with my thoughts."

"Then find another way to let go."

Within I practice in the secret of my soul~

Bucky has never been the optimist; that was Steve's job. But, he thought he was getting better. He had his best friend back, he had new friends, and he wasn't being brainwashed anymore.

One night, he relapsed. His brain thought the blonde staring at him seemed awfully familiar, but he needed to kill him.

"Bucky!" Steve called out.

The Asset wrapped his metallic hand around Steve's neck. He didn't say a word, just squeezed.

"Buck! Ack!" Steve tried to say as he choked. "Sta-aph!"

The Asset's eyes softened. Gradually, he let off on Steve's neck. "Oh my god..."

"Bucky, are you back with me?" Steve asked, his voice scratchy. Bucky felt the stabs of guilt in his stomach.

"Steve, stay away from me. I almost killed you." Bucky finally said.

Bucky kept backing away from Steve, while Steve kept stepping closer. Eventually, Bucky's back hit the wall, and Steve kept coming towards him, rubbing his neck.

"Bucky, I love you." Steve stated matter-of-factly. "Please, let me get closer."

Bucky thought long and hard about his words. You'll just hurt Steve, he thought. However, another part of him sought for the comfort Steve could potentially provide. "Okay." Bucky whispered.

Steve moved closer, reaching out his arms. Bucky fell into them. "'M sorry. I didn't want to hurt you."

"I know, I know." Steve cooed.

"Did-did you say you loved me earlier?" Bucky remembered. While Steve stuttered, Bucky added, "do you mean it?"

Steve realized that he had nothing to worry about. "I do mean it. I've loved you for over 70 years. That's why I'm helping you, because I love you and hate seeing you in pain." He cupped Bucky's jaw and leaned in.

My shape in the reflector has now forever life on its own~

"Look at us." Bucky laughed, a hearty, healthy-sounding laugh that made Steve's heart flutter. "Dorks in love."

"Isn't that what we've always been?" Steve shot back, arching a brow for comedic effect. 

The television showed a recording of them dancing together, courtesy of the Howling Commandos, and from what the video showed they looked at each other with a hidden love, even almost a century ago.

"I looked so full of life. And attractive." Bucky added, which made Steve chuckle. "What if I looked like that now?"

Steve kissed Bucky on the cheek. "You're beautiful."

The recording had sound as well, and Bucky could hear himself singing to Steve.

"We'll meet again..."


End file.
